I am not a good advogator. I don't post to my diary with any sort of regularity (it's been something well over a month since my last one) and when I do post, it's usually got nothing to do with code. But that's ok, because code has been a secondary crutch in my life for a while now. I just didn't realize it.
This post is also not about code, or computers, or technology, or anything. It's about me. Sorry.
I'm posting now, because I have something to say, and no one to say it to. It's not that I don't have friends, (I have some of the best friends anybody could ask for), it's just that I feel like I need to say this in a more 'generic recipient' way.
I am drunk.
I just walked nearly two miles, through falling snow, wind, and some pretty significant cold. One might ask why I did this. One might ask why I took the "two in the morning, sub twenty degree, walk down to the highway" on this of all nights. And one would be right for doing so.
It wasn't just a walk... it was the bourbon dance.
For you see, I realized tonight... I am either a complete and utter moron, who doesn't even deserve the pathetic life he's just barely managed to live thus far, or I am (as my sig stolen from seanbabay.com will testify to) history's greatest genius.
I needed the walk down to the highway to try to figure things out. And I'm not sure that I have,, but at least now I'm tired, and might actually manage to sleep at some point (it's Thu Dec 21 02:50:11 EST 2000 at the moment... shit, I can't even process time right now)
For those of you too dense to realize it on your own... I am completely and utterly retarded over *gasp* a girl. For the purpose of torturing myself and indulging my masochistic nature, tonight I've been reffering to her internally as "The Girl", with the 'T' and the 'G' in capital letters.
I've known her since high school (some 10 years for me now). I had a pretty serious crush on her then. We kept running into each other periodically for the last several years, and we'd chat and stuff. I ran into her last spring, and actuallly had a great conversation with her right there in the grocery store.... the pasta isle.
We traded email addresses. I pulled some strings, and got her phone number. We chatted. We got together for dinner and whatnot, and became good pals. We talked about dating, and decided it wouldn't work out, because we were too different, and she was seeing someone, and blah blah blah blah blah.
Fuck all that. I wanted this girl, and I didn't care who knew it. But I played along with this friends thing, because I knew that I needed her in my life in some capacity, even if it meant just being her friend. Even if it meant torturing myself through a mere fraction of the relationship I wanted.
But something happened. Thanksgiving evening, she came over to watch a movie with me. The entire evening, the air was thick with something... something that was way more than friendship. We both felt it.... I was so shocked by it that I couldn't call her for two or three days afterwards. She was so shocked, she declared that we couldn't be together anymore without some sort of adult supervision.
Things happened pretty quickly after that. we went from being casual friends that had some mutual romantic feelings for each other to being two people with a silly inability to be apart from each other for more than a couple of hours, in a mere matter of days,.
Now here we are... a couple weeks of fabulous romance later. She's trying to get her mind right... trying to get happy with herself, and get in a good space. She's telling me she needs some space, and I...
I actually said I understand. And that I want her to be happy with herself. And I want to be happy with myself. And I want us to be happy together if we're meant to be. I want her to get things right, and then the two of us can go explore what lives between us.
Now I'm second guessing myself. Am I an idiot? Is this meant to be, and I'm doing the right thing? Is this not meant to be and it doesn't matter what I think? Did I just gamble a couple days worth of great sex against a potential future of 'the real thing'? Am I just deluding myself into believing that something could actually happen between me, and this fabulous woman?
I've actually been completely re-writing the 'plan' of the rest of my life around this woman. I've been looking at the kid issue. I've been thinking about moving to Indy. I'm shopping for a bed for christ-sakes. I let this woman touch my feet. When I go to sleep at night, I pretend she's there with me (unless of course she's actually with me) and when I wake in the morning, my first thought is about her.
Shit. jjw just called. One of my servers is hosed, and paging him. So I did the smart thing, and killed the paging script. The actual problem can probably wait until I'm sober.
In order to escape the hidious noise of my brain racing at a million miles an hour, I had to leave the house. My brother came over for a while, we watched 'the Whole Nine Yards', and that helped. But when he left, I was left alone with... well, with my brain.
Lot's of people claim to be their own worst enemy. I have World War Three raging inside me most of the time.
So I realized I had to leave. I grabbed my hip flask, which was already pre stocked with about half a pint of my favorite 100 proof bourbon. I walked a nice straight line, the whole half mile down to the highway.
The wether being what it is, and due to the lateness of the hour, the highway was pretty deserted. So I stood in the middle of it, and drank, defying some stupid car to come squish me. I find I get a bit cavalier with my personal safety when I'm under emotional stress.
The walk home was much less of a straight line. I wobbled all over the place, and it's only the lack of traffic that kept me from getting squished. My tracks through the snow resemble a snake wrapped around a barbers pole. But the upside is... I met a really nice horse on my way home, and he talked some sense to me I think.
I sit here now, remembering what I said to her... I want to be happy, I want her to be happy, and optimally, I want us to be happy together. If that means she needs to go get her mind right for a bit, then so be it... I'll cope. I just didn't realize it'd be this hard. But I guess I'll deal, and she'll call me in a couple of days.
I'm confident that things will work out for the best. Or else, I expect I'm probably not long for the midwest.