Older blog entries for rjp (starting at number 24)

i helped dad poke around his web site - at the shell prompt level. he'd be considered a power user on windows, but on a *nix system he's helpless, as many of us once were. something as simple as ssh'ing in and checking out his access log is beyond him at this point. his site is built in php w/mysql backend - no problem, i'm not a php programmer but what's to learn? php seems fairly simple and mostly self-explanatory. i can help him out and answer his questions (how are accounts really stored, is it possible to do this or that, is the system itself maintainable and extendable, how secure are things) . . . i've been telling him for more than 2 years that he needs to learn sql and basic shell use and scripting. for him, that's too low-level and hands-on to want to do - almost beneath him. it reminds me of the several times he asked me to drop out of school to do all the technical dirty work for whatever his current get-rich-quick internet scheme was. ;) he's fun.

moved to a "wake excessively early work till noon chill out work a bit at night" schedule. it's been more effective so far than what i was doing before. it feels so much like studying for finals - i have to really crack down and do it or i'll find any excuse to procrastinate. like what i'm doing right now - keeping up my log is taking time away from [idea], which i'd really like to see come to fruition and provide . . . anyway. the solution is to work in a non-connected environment. if i have access to the internet, i'm screwed.

today i told the appropriate people i wouldn't be returning to work with them when my leave of absence was over at the end of january. i feel guilty: they were good to me in granting the leave of absence in the first place, so that i could care for my grandfather. my manager in particular went to bat for me, and today i told him i'm leaving. he has an amazingly level head - in the same situation i suspect i would have been much less polite. especially since after all his effort on my behalf, i told him i was going to focus on getting my ideas together and starting my own company. hence the source of my guilt. i would like to make it up to him somehow, but i don't know how. i recommended someone for my now vacant position.

this weekend i learned that i am a 5th generation american. this was news to me - i was under the impression that my grandparents were both born in europe, and moved here shortly after that. but now i learn that *their* grandparents were born in the united states. it's amazing what i thought i knew about my family. when he was better able to talk, grampa told me a lot of new things - and this most recent info comes from my mother. i guess i just never had that conversation with her before. my ignorance on these matters is something of a surprise to me.

some slow progress on [idea]. unfortunately, the whitepaper really requires that some things about the xml structures and semantics of the system be determined - so the various efforts are operating in parallel, one slowing as another one takes temporary precedence. my current partner in this stage is doing interviews - which means that if he gets a job it'll be me working on this alone again. which is good and bad. he is valuable to have because of his contacts (which i'll still have access to), and because he's a grayhair ;) i.e., he's older and has a good deal more experience than i do. but, the fewer people involved at this stage, the bigger chunk for each of them. right now it looks like that may just be me.

no programming for a while now - i need to focus all of my effort on [idea], and that means a lot of writing but not code. that's okay, one way or another i'll get back to it. but damn, i want to code - i miss it. two or three days at the keyboard building something would feel reaaaaally good.

we should keep in mind that those of middle eastern descent do not have the market cornered on crazy, cultish, or violent behavior. your average medium-sized white guy like me is more likely than the average educated h1b-carrying person from the middle east to off someone for no good reason.

well, work is wanting to know what i'll be up to in the next days/weeks/months. my leave of absence ends at the end of january. i need to tell them soon that i'll not be returning. i think they suspect that already.

making decent progress on mhm whitepaper. really need to crank on it though - it's difficult to get myself psyched up for writing again. i'd much rather write code or even technical specs, but this is a necessary evil. it's do or die. i need to do some research on xml structures - to see what people have done already in terms of applying them to [idea].

grampa is having a good day - yesterday too. it is simply amazing: when he's in a downswing his limbs are cold, he can't move himself at all, he can't speak, he can't feed himself. then he gets a good night's sleep and he's back to where he was two weeks ago. if he spent the rest of his time like this, more in touch with the world around him, able to talk to me - that would be wonderful. but bad days nearly always follow good, and nearly always outnumber them.

buchanan cellars (sonoma) chardonnay: yummmmm

i cannot understand grampa at all anymore, and he is now almost too weak to move on his own at all. this means he will soon be stuck in bed - i am not strong enough to move him without help. it is not possible to have 2 people here all the time. i am past the point of guilt - i wish for a peaceful end, so that his struggle can be over.

this experience - helping grampa die, because truly that's what i am doing, trying to help him ease into the end - has shown me several things with clarity. first and foremost: at the end of your life, what matters is who you have loved and thus who loves you. your labels (husband, programmer, leader, brother) fall away, and what is left is your core - the true self. with your labels stripped away, who are you? you are what you have given of yourself to others.

another thing i see is that if you have a dream and any hope in hell of achieving it, try! try! life is too short and too precious to waste time. it sounds like a cliche, and i suppose it is, but it is true. every instant of your life can be lived intentionally, not drifting. now if only i could make myself live that way. there was a time in my life when living my word (i.e., if i said i would do something, i did it, period) was important to me. i was a very effective person then. should i try that again?

m.e. and i had breakthroughs in a couple of concepts for [idea]. i am stoked. i see nobody else focusing on this stuff - this may be a big deal.

time to get crackin' on the house and home todo list:

fix mirror on dresser
hang whiteboard(s)
go through all my crap (old magazines, box from my last office/cube cleaning, bookshelf triage, piles of academic journals/papers)
get that damn sparclx over to the bodoman
sell the damn mustang (i would really like to garage the miata, especially now that it's raining)
fix hole in wall
fix backyard gate (3rd time, now requires bolting a board onto the fence to hold the latch)
. . . ugh, there's so much more.

good progress on [idea] with m.e. today - a very fruitful discussion. the next day and 1/2 or so i'll be taking care of grampa, so i should have an hour here and an hour there to start shifting the writeup from outline to executive summary and whitepaper formats, and whipping out use cases and scenarios.

i have made a pre-new years resolution: for the 1st month of the new year, i will be devoting all of my energy (or all i am able to at any rate) towards getting funding. at the end of the first month, i will evaluate my progress and see if it is worth continuing. if so, i will continue. if not, i will go back to working for the man (i.e., get another job). i think i'll pursue both [redacted for privacy] and also dcserver as a commercial osgi gateway. i don't know how much of a market there is for osgi gateways in the near future, but i guess i'll find out. the cool thing is that the core will remain open source.

got dottie to the vet and back - waiting for lab results.

so after wrangling with the finer points of iptables, my workstation is finally up and accessible at our static ip. hmmm - time to get a dedicated gateway machine now. i can't believe it: apache's been up for a single day, and i've been attacked by more than 25 distinct machines. they're all windows machines infected with nimda or some such bug, probing for windows vulnerabilities. here's an example from the log:

61.78.94.62 - - [26/Dec/2001:14:54:55 -0800] "GET /_vti_bin/..%255c../..%255c../..%255c../winnt/system32/cmd. exe?/c+dir HTTP/1.0" 404 671 "-" "-"
61.78.94.62 - - [26/Dec/2001:14:54:56 -0800] "GET /_mem_bin/..%255c../..%255c../..%255c../winnt/system32/cmd. exe?/c+dir HTTP/1.0" 404 671 "-" "-"
61.78.94.62 - - [26/Dec/2001:14:54:57 -0800] "GET /msadc/..%255c../..%255c../..%255c/..%c1%1c../..%c1%1c../.. %c1%1c../winnt/system32/cmd.exe?/c+dir HTTP/1.0" 404 671 "-" "-"
61.78.94.62 - - [26/Dec/2001:14:54:58 -0800] "GET /scripts/..%c1%1c../winnt/system32/cmd.exe?/c+dir HTTP/1.0" 404 671 "-" "-"
61.78.94.62 - - [26/Dec/2001:14:54:58 -0800] "GET /scripts/..%c0%2f../winnt/system32/cmd.exe?/c+dir HTTP/1.0" 404 671 "-" "-"
61.78.94.62 - - [26/Dec/2001:14:54:59 -0800] "GET /scripts/..%c0%af../winnt/system32/cmd.exe?/c+dir HTTP/1.0" 404 671 "-" "-"
61.78.94.62 - - [26/Dec/2001:14:55:00 -0800] "GET /scripts/..%c1%9c../winnt/system32/cmd.exe?/c+dir HTTP/1.0" 404 671 "-" "-"

the attackers range from other telocity dsl subscribers to overseas machines (like the one above) to the compton unified school district! the only common thread is they're all windows attacking windows. i am positive the owners/administrators have no idea. time to write some log parsing and email scripts.

grampa had a good day after two weeks of sharp decline. he was able to talk clearly, if quietly. it's wonderful to have a good day like this.

contracting opportunities are pushing their way to the fore. i'm thinking about starting a little custom software business - if i can pay the bills with it and make my own schedule, who could ask for more? do i really need to seek venture or seed funding and do another startup? ugh. i don't fucking know anymore.

christmas swag:

- i, claudius dvd box set (score!)

- godfather dvd box set (score!)

- gameboy advanced and spryo (shit, how old am i? what the hell, spyro kicks ass on any platform. score!)

- car cleaning gear (score!)

- gift certificate for favorite monterey bed & breakfast (score!)

- smiles on the faces of my family from my gifts (super score!)

grampa doesn't really talk anymore. he is now able to stay awake up for periods not exceeding 5 minutes. i fear i am starting to objectify him as a coping mechanism. oh god, please don't let me get unemotional - that would be worse i think. i have to remind myself that it's worse for us than it is for him. he is comfortable, even if he lives in a twilight dream world now.

dottie has been exhibiting distressing behavior today: she runs for her sandbox every 5 or 10 minutes, and produces nothing. she appears to be eating and drinking, and still responds to affection and play like normal. shit, it's midnight (merry christmas) - if she keeps this up for another two or three hours it's off to the emergency vet.