i cannot understand grampa at all anymore, and he is now almost too weak to move on his own at all. this means he will soon be stuck in bed - i am not strong enough to move him without help. it is not possible to have 2 people here all the time. i am past the point of guilt - i wish for a peaceful end, so that his struggle can be over.
this experience - helping grampa die, because truly that's what i am doing, trying to help him ease into the end - has shown me several things with clarity. first and foremost: at the end of your life, what matters is who you have loved and thus who loves you. your labels (husband, programmer, leader, brother) fall away, and what is left is your core - the true self. with your labels stripped away, who are you? you are what you have given of yourself to others.
another thing i see is that if you have a dream and any hope in hell of achieving it, try! try! life is too short and too precious to waste time. it sounds like a cliche, and i suppose it is, but it is true. every instant of your life can be lived intentionally, not drifting. now if only i could make myself live that way. there was a time in my life when living my word (i.e., if i said i would do something, i did it, period) was important to me. i was a very effective person then. should i try that again?
m.e. and i had breakthroughs in a couple of concepts for [idea]. i am stoked. i see nobody else focusing on this stuff - this may be a big deal.