17 Jun 2000 nullity   » (Master)

Ok... This is a major depressive time. Its probably compounded by being on such a high throughout the week, combined with stress combined with lack of sleep. But I'm also under a good amount of social pressure. On the one hand I have Sandra who's been very frustrating to deal with because I felt like I was just starting to connect with her when she left. What a change from the "I can never be close to you" a few weeks before! I feel like we've both grown in some ways, but more importantly we finally got things out on the table. That sounds good, no? But the thing is that now she's away over the summer...and most of what I see of her every day is a message that she was on ICQ for like 3 minutes! I feel like if things die now they'll be dead because we are going to be living in very different housing next year. :-( Why do I always feel safest with the people who end up causing me the most pain?<sigh&rt;
This is compounded by my working at Eazel...which started out as a really good thing. And I realize that maybe I've been a snot or something (and I know I'm sometimes annoying)...but I feel like I'm really unwanted by Arlo, Andy, and some other people. I mean, I realize that there's such a huge split in experience etc...but ... I don't know. It feels like I'm the only person who's getting this. Fine so I'm the lowly intern...but it doesn't hurt to treat me like a person with feelings. And maybe they are joking...sometimes it seems Arlo is (sometimes he says he is) but I still have this general impression conveyed. Its like a feel like I'm the only person who doesn't have a a niche, and therefore people just wish I'd shrivel up and go away. But the thing is that I'm working hard and fixing lots of bugs. Good grief... I've probably worked more hours this week than almost anyone (an entire all-nighter...10+hr days other than that). And I've fixed a bunch of stuff. At least Darin, who was the hardest to deal with at first, is somebody I now feel comfortable with after meeting him (its amazing how important that can be sometimes).
sniffle, boohoo for me. OK. I'm done being a whiner.

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