blah. The weekend was interesting. This is a placeholder for when I get the time and energy to write about it.
I have become worn...and I know I'm too young for this to happen. Oh well. I do look forward to school, which is a change from last summer, but I think I've become largely disillusioned with relationships. Not to say that I don't consider them worthwhile, but I think I caused myself an uneccesary quantity of angst concerning myself with them too heavily last year. Ah well.
I had a fairly bad sunburn today and hence didn't feel like
doing anything outside. Plus it was hot. I stayed inside and
watch Brian play FreeCraft (Warcraft II clone - if you
haven't seen it its pretty amazing, I had no clue that they
had a playable game!). I'm going to spend the rest of this
evening trying to get cross-compilation going for HURD so I
can finish porting GNOME to it. Wheee!
Maybe I'll write some and forget to go to sleep....but probably not. That made me a wreck last week.
The long and short is that I've recently become acutely aware of all his failings and idiosynchratic behavior. Maybe you're protected from seeing a lot of this as a child, but it has begun to bother me immensely (probably because I fear seeing it in myself). Comments that others have had the grace to make to me (if nobody tells me its hard to change....) I see applying 10x to him. So what's happened is that I have grown immensely over the past year being young and malleable while he has staid set in his ways, of course. Which means that I have trouble just accepting all the things that I've tried to prune from myself that I see in him. Maybe this is good, because it suggests that I've grown somewhat myself....
#$%&**!!!! I'm sooooo tired of the symoblic link code. Gnome-VFS is incredibly imalleable in some ways, and I'm having to deal with all of them it seems :-) Its like I do one thing and the library just slaps me back. I'm making progress but its tedious and slow. In other fronts I did some trivial work that enabled the simple search bar in Nautilus. Hopefully when the symbolic link stuff is off my plate I'll take a crack at writing the unescape/escape code in Nautilus once and for all - just put that stuff to rest! I like that sort of coding because I tend to be working in environments where I can just write code - the interfaces to the functions are very well defined and narrow. I like architecture better, but if I'm just going to code this is what I want to do.
In other news, I'll now be moving into spending most of my time labouring over purify. I hate C. Its final. It seems ironic that the person most supportive of garbage collection and not having to do memory management will be tasked with cleaning up the memory leaks ;-) Of course, I knew this would be coming when I signed on but that doesn't make it any more fun now that its hapenning. The upside to this is that I hope to drastically improve my ability to read other's code. I have oft respected that in Darin and Pavel (and Maciej to a lesser extent, it probably develops with years in the field) and I hope to develop some of that in myself.<shrug>
Harumph! Advogato seems to have decided it didn't want to post this diary entry. Thanks, it was a long one that took a while to write.
Ah... It has been far too long. :-) I'm not entirely
disillusioned with the art of the public diary, though I
have realized that I must compensate for the lack of
physical and description and life-story narration with more
of the ecletic jumble contending with reality for my mind in
fragile equilibrium. Oh yes! I am indeed teetering on the
edge of insanity.
And in the land of dark hackery I have little of note to report, being caught in the doldrums of bug fixing. Upon the distant horizon I see hopes of spending meager amounts of time on a drag bar (e.g. an alternative to cut-n-paste), but we shall have to see. A lot of what I am doing is writing testing tools to verify others', erm, less than perfect implementations. Not the most terribly exciting stuff in the world, but it does engage my time :-)
This was a while back, but it does have some reflection on
directions my life may be heading in the near future. I
talked with Rebecka Schulman (sp?) for quite a while one
night while we both worked late at Eazel. It was somewhat
disheartening for I found that she has shockingly similar
interests to mine...but developed several more years
am at the beginning of my undergraduate experience, and she
has already done graduate studies for a while). So the more
I discovered similar interests and goals the more I became
disheartened by her apparent disillisionment with much of
computer science. This is not to say that I was merely
depressed by her lack of enthusiasm, because she is doing
many very interesting things with Medusa in great earnest.
Rather her perspectives as somebody who has sampled my
dreams already was worrisome - simply because it robbed me
of some measure of foolish idealism. The issues she raised I
have already heard, they are obvious. But hearing "myself"
in a sense uttering them, or rather somebody who I sense
would have similar views as myself with a great deal more
experience (eg Rebecka), I was forced to actually consider
them, and I found much of it to be true.
Computers are a rather trivial pursuit. If you are not doing
something with them that makes them work towards other more
worthy ends - you must acknowledge that what you are doing
with your life is playing. That is not necessarily a bad
thing, but in my particular case it is difficult to accept.
I think this may mean that I need to find out why I'm doing
what I'm doing. Part of it...is because I do derive pleasure
out of architecting elegant solutions, yes. But is immediate
pleasure sufficient impetus to purse something as my life? I
don't know, but I think not. So now I am left with either
attempting to deduce a meaningful rational for pursuing
computer science theory, or I must supplement it with other
pursuits...or I must shallow myself and accept it as is. I
doubt I can do the latter, or rather I wish not to and so
choose not to consider it a viable option.
Being therefore disillusioned concerning the nature of computers by talking too much with Rebecka...I have decided to pursue other venues of expression and general temporal consumption. Perhaps the most easily doable for personal edification is to write. Now I have engaged myself quite thorougly this summer in writing poetry, but as I am not exactly an epic poet :-)... this is a disjunctious process. So I have the grain of a novel and intend to start work on it. It is rather frustrating for beautiful sections of writing pass fleetingly through my mind as I work upon the mechanisms of the world itself...frustrating because I rather suspect myself to be at a loss for such passages once I apply myself to the pen (I don't much relish writing fiction at a computer for some odd reason, yes I know its silly but...I am a beast of whimsy and it makes me feel more, oh I don't know, more...poetic? to write in such a primitive fashion :-).
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