Forgot to mention this earlier, but as a present to myself for making it through a crunch at work, I bought a new laptop. It wasn't just that, though -- the ol' StinkPad, while still probably the nicest machine I've ever owned, was showing its age (4+ years): Inexplicable random shutdowns, spontaneous WiFi disconnects, worn-out mouse button, I couldn't burn CDs any more, and then the backlight in the screen went out.
I'd seen someone at this year's FSF meeting who'd recommended ZaReason, so I headed over to their web site and bought the UltraLapSR. It's fantastic! Like they promised, all advertised features Just Work (suspend, hibernate, etc.), and the thing is fast as hell. I've finally got a laptop with a prettier UI than my girlfriend's MacBook Pro.
R.I.P. smokebottle, long live countyhell!