And soon, the sadness became part of my own life. The course of the destiny goes even worse. The problems are coming in an amazing way.
Soon I could see my life was changing so quik. Soon I saw that I had to go to a rich people school, where nobody studies, where nobody can really think, where nobody can see the thing beyond their eyes.
Soon I saw I was feeling unhappy. Soon I could see I began to fail. Soon I felt I was having so mistakes. In fact, I couln't breath at all. It was horrible.
Soon I could see I had another one problem with the uni. Not only the social differences, but the resources for paying the fees of the uni. Soon I had to decide what to do: Get work at the uni for paying some part of the costs, or get a job outside the school. Suddenly, I chose the second option, cause I think the people who work at my uni have to live as slayers.
Soon I saw that I couldn't find a good job. Only the classic jobs. I had no chance to work as a programmer. And, when a opportunity came, a problem raised my life. S you can imagine, I lost that job.
But that's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is, will I really want to saty at the uni? at THAT uni? I don't know. The fees are so big, and the education is so bad. It's like being wasting my money. And, I was saying, to this day, I haven't be able to surpass ( or even forget ) the social differences. I see this situation every second: I can't meet people, I can't tell interesting things with my pals. I have to be alone all the f*cking time.
But, going back to the uni and fees problem, I really really feel the need of leaving the uni. Yeah, as Gates and De Icaza. Unofrtunately, I'm not Miguel de Icaza, and I can't be sure about having work in the future. And I'm not talking about a job, but a good job. Because I really really wan to work on the open source world. But I can't let space the idea of a good life form my head. I want to live good and be happy doing the things I want to do. And, for me, it is so hard ...
Sometimes I would like to cry, because my father is all the time saying me I have to work or get job at the school por paying it. So, I ask myself: "Does the price is good?". I don't have any intention of working, because I want to study and prepare myself for a good job. I would like to study and study and be better each day of my life. So, working now ... I don't know. I would be very happy if only I could work at the project I'm trying to help and work in.
And event time I see that all my friends have car, and I don't, I remember all the so f*cking words they all have said to me : "If you hadn't lose your school help, your father would'n have to pay all the costs and you could had a car too". You don't know how f*ck I hate these words. Because they remember me the fact that I lose oa grat chance I had. But wait, it was my first school fail! Why now, God?
So, I feel I'm not good enough to live life. I want to cry, I want to explode, I would like to go to the uni teachers and say them "Is this your so f*ckin high educational level? Do you really think that you are giving to me the education I'm paying? ". It's when I feel angry with them and with myself, because I had some part of the guilt.
This life is killing me. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. I can't surpass the gulty feeling. I feel bad with myself. It's horrible ...
...
I think that I have three reasons for being here living my life: 1) Hope for falling in love 2) Hope for winning the regional ACM contest and 3) Hope for a much better life ...