7 Sep 2001 carl   » (Apprentice)

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I am in a most unlovely mood. I am obsessing over people/things again in my highly incompatible with those people/things life. Ugh. I am so fucking bored. I am so fucking tired. I am so fucking drained. Yet I do nothing. Why? I am emotionally exhausted. My physical condition is not helping the matter. Soon we (my mother and I) will be moving into a house. I should be happy, right? No more apartments for me. No more worrying about playing my music too loud. No more worrying about whether or not the stupid land-lord (hah) is actually going to fix the leaky faucet this time. So I should be happy then because I'll have my own room once again with my little slice of privacy, right? HAH. I have just now decided to start liking this area. It's nice. The people are generally nice, though I very rarely actually interact with them, and the township acts like a community. That could be just as bad as it is good but it's nice to see people fucking get along for once. Although I doubt the sincerity of many of those people they still act it out well enough to make it liveable.

I am starting to really think about what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life. I am not happy about the options because I don't even know what all my options are. I have considered writing because my past experiences with most (if not all) of my English teachers says that I am a pretty decent writer when it's about something I really care about. I feel so bad though because the things I say I care about I am not really sure I care about them at all or if I am just acting as though I care for some reason. It's very confusing and somewhat scary to feel like you don't have complete control over some of your thoughts and actions. The possibilities of such things scare me a lot. Confused is probably the closest term to match up with my emotions over the past five years or so. Things just don't make sense. I am hopelessly naive probably due to a lack of interaction with the "real world" and I can't seem to budge my way into it now that I'm older.

Speaking of older -- I will be nineteen years old in a month and three weeks (approximately) or alternatively on October 25th if you must know the exact date. I am not looking forward to yet another reminder that I have wasted a year and a half of my life accomplishing very little.

My mother and I are really not getting along well lately. I almost care but I try not to because I didn't really know her much when I was growing up -- I just sort of visited her every now and then. I don't think she really understands what happens to someone when they don't grow up with them even though they are their mother. I don't have that mother/son relationship that some people have. I don't have that caring I should probably have for her. She is not the most cherished thing in my life and never will be. I had a quick argument with her about buying things with cocoa in them a few nights ago. She came home from work at like 8:30PM (rather early compared to some days) and I noticed she got a few things from work (she works at a grocery store...). One of the items was a quart of chocolate soy milk. I should be thankful and happy that she's trying to help me out with my vegan lifestyle change but I'm not going to be happy when she buys things with cocoa. In case you don't know why -- I read in the local paper about a slavery problem with cocoa suppliers. Some of the suppliers are buying slaves and using them as laborers to get their cocoa. I do not support slavery and therefore I try to avoid things with cocoa in them which is fine anyway because usually things containing cocoa aren't that great for me. But with her it's like "ah who cares I just want to try it". She also accepted some fudge from my sister which was purchased at one of the fudge shops in Wildwood, NJ. I wasn't happy with that either but didn't really say anything about it.

So anyway -- she decides she's tired and goes to bed while I'm trying to talk to her about this issue. She normally does not go to bed until about 11PM -- it was 9PM. So I continued to ask her about it as she's getting ready for bed and all she does is ignore me. She never bothers telling me why she is supporting these people and/or why she is giving off the impression that she does not care about the problem. I go off into this little room and do my thing after a few minutes and she decides she's no longer tired and goes into the living room to watch tv and call some people (!!!). I just ignored the fact that she lied to me earlier when she said she was tired and wanted to go to sleep and went about my business as usual.

Okay so why did I bother typing all that out? Because I'm pissed off. Just two days later she wants "to talk to you for a few minutes". Oh my. NOW she wants to talk...two days later. What the fuck. I told her I wasn't interested and she got so pissed off at that. She starts yelling and saying "you expect me to care about these people when you don't care about anything I say"...uh okay. I just sat in the little room and ignored her. Now maybe I am wrong here but I really don't think I am -- she's telling me that because I give off the impression that I don't care about her means she can't care about slaves being used to harvest cocoa? Does -anyone- else see the problem with that? So because we have our problems means some other person has to suffer? Granted someone could just as well say that the person is likely to suffer anyway whether she buys things containing cocoa or not and that's just fine. I still won't think purchasing products from the companies that practice slavery is a good idea nor will I do it.

I have a shit load more I want to write about but this is getting very long. I am thinking of writing a script for a movie -- very seriously considering it. Or at least writing a book (going back quickly to my career prospects) about something...I can't say what just yet. I have what I think is a good idea for a book/movie/whatever but am not entirely sure. I am getting extremely frustrated with my inability to learn certain things and/or concentrate on certain things. I think perhaps if I can get in shape physically and mentally then maybe I can pursure more computer related things but until that happens (which should be a hell of a lot easier once we're in the house -- the primary reason I am doing no weight lifting or anything of the sort is a lack of room -- I don't like going outside to exercise so I'd like to confine it indoors as much as I can until I reach a certain goal -- then I will go outside and exercise) I wish to pursue other things and relax on the computer stuff for a while. I'd like to pursue music and writing and perhaps even some acting. I acted a very little tiny bit in fourth grade. It was a nightmare for me but didn't really turn out too bad. I was the lion in "Wizard of Oz" -- I had to sing and run around a little bit so there wasn't a whole lot of acting involved really but it was pretty neat. They had a great little outfit for me to wear and all and I might still have the picture of me wearing it.

Ah well...life really isn't as bad as I might make it out to be for me. I have a lot of ups and downs just like everyone else does. Some people are more level-headed than I am and some people are more wise than I am because they have more of that "real world" experience. So I want to write. Maybe journalism or something. Freelance journalism ... *cough* no money *cough* but what the fuck I'm not making any money sitting here on this chair either so why not? It just might work. If all else fails I fall back on music and then computers. I don't want to make computers a primary anymore because it's draining my life away in a hurry. I need the social interaction I didn't get when I was a kid or I will be hopeless for relationships...

Maybe I'll keep this thing up-to-date a little bit better. Sorry it's been so long.

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