i can't even imagine what i'm going to type. i have no idea what i'm typing, i can't even think of anything coherant to say.

i'm in new york city right now. i was supposed to fly back to seattle sometime this week. my mind isn't working. i can't seem to think of anything to say, anything to think. i'm not sure why. i was in manhattan today, trying to get some of my stuff, the police had blocked off most of the city and there was almost noone around. the news was on all day yesterday here, i couldn't escape it or avoid it or anything. i really can't watch it anymore.

everyone i know is safe. everyone i know is out of harm's reach for now. yesterday we went out into the street, in brooklyn, and could see the ashes flying around us, by the time we came back inside i couldn't see through my glasses anymore. i feel like chicken little. i'm not sure that makes any sense.

i'm so tired. i'm so very very tired. i can't sleep. i don't know why, i just can't. all i want is to be at home. all i want is to not be here right now and i have no idea when i will be able to leave. all i want is to not be dealing with this. all i want is to be able to help somehow and right now i can't imagine or think of anyway to do it.

this is the single greatest tragedy i have ever witnessed in my 20 years on this planet. i really hope this isn't the defining moment of my generation.

i think that's all i can think of to say. i think that's all i can think of to think. i think i want to go to sleep now and not wake up till my mind works again. i hope everyone is ok. please be ok.

...

i'm back in seattle at my parents house for a few weeks cause i don't have any place to live in san francisco atm. once i get back i'll start art school and move into a dorm of some kind.

i've been feeling very boring lately, at least writing wise, i think i prob have the worlds most boring diary for certain ;-) don't quite know why i still post here, i don't really care anymore. i just wish i was excited about something in my life, i was in san francisco but now that i'm at home i feel horrible. why does going home always make me feel bad? i wish i could blame my family but i really don't think it's there fault.

the whole diary thing isn't what it once was, at one point when gnome felt like a community advogato was great cause it gave you an even better idea of what people you "knew" were up to. now that gnome feels more like a prison than a community advogato feels like a chore.

i got tickets to see mogwai today! ;-) this is great, especially cause robey had told me that they were sold out and now i am going, just need to convince sharon to come ;-).

saw chick corea with sharon, was amazing. not really what i expected, it was straight jazz not fusion but it was still one of the best concerts i've been to. live jazz kicks butt.

new cd's: wish you were here by pink floyd, millions now living will never die by tortoise, and black on both sides by mos def.

kids come across as solemn and lost, i know old men evoke last wars and holocausts, german kids, croatian kids, just like amercian kids we know.

movie night: saw freddie got fingered, sharon hated it, i thought it was funny though very disturbing.

so i don't think i'll be going back to antioch in 2.5 weeks like i am supposed to. instead i am planning on staying in san francisco and doing school here for awhile.

finally got cvs access for mozilla. very very hard thing to do these days. you need a voucher, 3 reviews, a form turned in and a history of good patches. took me almost 1 month or so to get it. celebrated by beginning the mass checkins of everything i have been working on since i got to netscape.

my sister came and went, she has chosen a college and what not now, i think she made the right choice.

bought a dreamcast. yeehah! ;-)

new cd's: come on die young by mogwai and stephen malkmus' new album.

the mermaids teach us, how to breathe beneath, the line that now divides, actions and apathy.

been forever between posts yet again. i guess that is a good thing, it means i have been living as opposed to writing about not living.

still working hard at netscape, unnamed people in the community (*cough* macricht *cough*) keep saying arik@aol.com and laughing hysterically ;-)

movie night: sharon and i went to see all access, an incredibly dumb psuedo-documentary/advert.

we've got tv/cable and dsl at home now, didn't really change my life much either way, reminded me how much i generally loathe tv though.

saw hot water music at bottom of the hill. very very good show, even met some cool people at the club and what not.

my sister arrives in about a half-hour to visit for the weekend, she is deciding on which college to go to, should be fun and it brings the total number of people at my apartment to 6 for the next few days.

went to my cousins house for passover, was good to see them again.

we're all here digging knives from our backs we've all been betrayed because it's business not people it's always take and it is never give and that's not the way i want to live cause that's nothing but dying and we're nothing if we sell ourselves.

i started my first day at netscape today. i think it's gonna be an interesting place to work. i'll be working on xptoolkit stuff and linux specific issues. spent the whole day in orientation, very tired.

bought a laptop, sony vaio pcg-sr17, pretty nice and it's great to finally own my own machine.

been meeting some new people in the city, hopefully i will get to spend time with them all a bunch before i go back to school.

new cd's: tone soul evolution by the apples in stereo, f#a#infinity by godspeed you black emperor!, maiden voyage by herbie hancock, young team by mogwai, progress by pedro the lion, and cobra and phases group play voltage in the milky night by stereolab.