Nothing on the open-source front. I'm still pondering ideas for dink, but
I've been too busy and/or lazy to work on it.
In the next week, I have to implement a simple client/server using XML-RPC.
I'm looking to advodiary
for inspiration and hints. (This is for my Operating Systems class.) I also
have to finish a programming assignment for the same class, utilizing shared
memory and semaphores in C.
And we've finally started covering Lisp in Programming Languages class. Too
bad we're only covering it for one week. (After covering Pascal for the first
half of the semester...)
Unlike cmiller, my go hasn't improved much. Since I can't
attend club meetings on Mondays, and none of the sensei show up on Thursdays,
I don't have the benefit of skilled instruction.
But that'll all change, I hope. I'm going to try to schedule classes around
the Monday meetings, so I'll be able to attend. And maybe I should start
playing online again.
Still working on the video by fits and starts. Sometimes I'll open Final Cut,
slap in a clip or two, say "this sucks", delete the clips, and quit.
But it'll rock by the time it's done, I promise. Or at least it'll be
I even signed up at animemusicvideos.org. My
user profile isn't much yet, but eventually...
... or the lack thereof.
o/~ know what i really want in a girl? me. o/~ -- bloodhound gang, "3.14"
I used to think I could do anything. No... I could do anything.
But no longer.
Nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing short of perfection is acceptable.
I can't seem to wrap my head around the idea that a C is "average". If I get
less than a high A, I begin to panic. I seriously considered driving into a
tree after making a 49 on a discrete math test. Really... just yank the wheel
and it would all be over. It was that serious.
Granted, I know my weak areas. But it's when I start to fail in my strongest
areas that I worry. For instance, I bombed two tests, two days apart; the
first was that discrete math test and the other was an operating systems test.
I'm strong in both, or so I thought.
Part of my problems in English classes (I've failed English more times than I
can count) is that I'm always embarassed to turn in my assignments. Since
they were never as good as they could be, I couldn't turn them in. Not only
were they not up to the class's standards (in my mind), they weren't up to
my standards, and that was even more devastating.
I know, consciously, that everyone's work is crap, and that mine is no
crappier than anyone else's. But something inside of me can't shake that
feeling of failure, even during success. Even when I succeed, I don't
deserve it, since I didn't do the best work I possibly could. Never mind the
fact that it always feels like a fluke, like one small check mark in a list of
big red Xs. I can't be confident about it.
This really hits hard because according to most sources, "what women
want" is not competence, but confidence. All the competence in the
world is useless without the swagger to serve as bait.
Most guys can get away with just swagger. Despite their incompetence
at everything, they can get whatever they want by pretending to be competent.
But I can't pretend. I don't know my true level of competence, and I'm too
honest to exaggerate my own abilities.
There's nothing I want more than to be confident in my competence. It's not
something that can be achieved by outside recognition. I have to know, by my
own methods, whether I'm capable of surviving in this world. Maybe then
confidence will follow.