Older blog entries for Ryan (starting at number 72)

So. For all the "The Bay area of California is the BEST!" people out there I have but one thing to say:

Taxis and rental cars are not public transportation.

For a "metropolitan census area" that large, I can't believe that the BART and Caltrain are considered to be decent when you have to walk something like 12 blocks between the closest CalTrain and BART stations. And there's no connection to the airport. Yet. It's almost as bad as Dorval in Montreal. And most of the CalTrain stations have little to no transporation in the Pennisula towns to get to your final destination once you leave the train. It's a shambles.

Give me snowshoes any day. Better yet, let me move back to Hong Kong or London.

My open source desktop can beat up your open source desktop!

Did you hear me!? YEAST!!!!

If I ever, ever catch you complaining about stock prices again, I won't hesitate to remind you that you had at least a 50/50 chance of being BREAD right now! Pumpernickel possibly.

Humans: Desperately in need of a universal bitch slap.

P.S. I would have been a cupcake. A chocolate cupcake with strawberry frosting and some little white sprinkles. Maybe a candle, too.

P.P.S. Mmmmmmmmm.... sourdough.

[rtilder@littleplasticcastle rtilder]$ host ifyouwantmybodyandyouthinkimsexy.com
Host not found.
[rtilder@littleplasticcastle rtilder]$

We're going to let you know, Rod Stewart!!

I <HEART> kung fu.

Tune in Tokyo!

I hereby proclaim judgement on all you heathen BASTARDS!!!

In the count of insidious crimes against marmotkind: 200 years of back breaking water fowl manacuring!
In the count of infectious giggling in a bad movie: 2 years with an overweight, full body tattooed dwarf surgically attached to your left knee!
In the count of not inciting a food riot in a nunnery: 30 days shaving my back.

That is all. It's all mang's fault. He showed me "The Scoop on Poop".

Go.

                      The.

                                                                Fuck.

                                                                                             Away.

The air in this place has turned a bit rancid.

I think a few people, not to mention any names lilo, need to get over the fact that sometimes Shit Just Happens At A Company and licking it like a festering rectal sore in public is more than a little disgusting and mightily pathetic. Sadly, I'm guilty of this as well, but I think I might have finally come to my poor excuse for senses.

So please do us all a favour and stop with the exceptionally bitter updates about your former employer. Broadcasting to the world the fact that various people have left is more than a little de classe and announcing that a large number had been "forced to reorganize" is just stupid. You aren't a reporter, you sound like a vindictive thirteen year old girl trying to get back at her mum.

The fact that I, of all people, am telling you that you've acted like an ass and should just shut up should be just the teensiest indicator that you're being a complete git.

Coffee time!

Boy. Some people were absent when God was giving out a sense of humour.

I point at my new employer. Today marks the end of week one.

I've managed to outdo myself and break any possible records(if there are any) in my forte:

That's RIGHT! In the first 15 seconds of the job I managed to offend someone enough to have them lodge a formal complaint with the HR department. I didn't even open my mouth. Nary a word, whisper, nor wink did I perform.

How good is this? Before I was technically an employee, before I was on payroll, before I had even met my manager, I already had a written reprimand in my personnel file.

I've written up a nice little skit about it, but my DSL link to my home machine is down at the moment and I'm out of the country. As soon as I get home, I'll put it up on the stupid pages.

Life is beautiful!

I'm holding a lil mini-contest. If you can guess what it was that got me into hot water, I'll buy you a present. Mail about it. I won't reply before Sunday though.

And NOW! I'd like to present one of my favourite songs of all time! Sir Mix A Lot's Baby Got Back. It's a celebration of ass. Beautiful, mellifluous booty. Lick your lips and smack it good!

[Girl]
Oh my god Becky look at her butt
It is so big
She looks like one of those rap guys girlfriends
Who understands those rap guys
They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute ok?
I mean her butt
It's just so big
I can't believe it's so round
It's just out there
I mean it's gross
Look she's just so black

[Sir Mix a Lot]
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up front
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got
Me so horny
Ooh, rub all of that smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz
Well use me, use me cuz you ain't that average groupy

I've seen them dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette

I'm tired of magazines
saying flat butt's the only thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back, so...

Fellas (yeah), fellas (yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)
Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt
Baby got back

(LA face with Oakland booty)

I like'em round and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself
I'm actin like an animal
Now here's my scandal

I wanna get you home
And ugh, double ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
Cuz silicone parts were made for toys
I wannem real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mixalot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Watchin' these bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas
I wanna get with ya
I won't cus or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna fuck
Til the break of dawn
Baby, I got it goin on
A lot of pimps won't like this song
Cuz them punks like to hit it and quit it
But I'd rather stay and play
Cuz I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
If you wanna role in my Mercedes (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back

(LA face with the Oakland booty)

Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo and got nothin to do with my selection
36-24-36
Only if she's 5'3"

So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
Playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hon
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
and tell you that the butt need to go
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your waste is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You ain't it Miss Thang
Give me a sista I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
Cuz his girls were on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And pulled up quick to get with 'em
So ladies if the butt is round
And you wanna triple X throw down
Dial 1-900-mixalot and kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back

True artistry. Round of applause, please.

But seriously folks, I've a lot of people mailing me privately asking me to "stop posting such complete nonsense" in the words of one particularly anal retentive fool. I've been debating whether or not to do it for a while since I really haven't been using this except as a silliness outlet lately. To whit, I think I'm just going to update the stupid pages instead. The only reason I haven't switched over is that I refuse to write a web updater thingy and I rather enjoy advogato's. So I except for the occasional prank, I'm going to return whence I came.

--Ryan "I LIKE BIG BUTTS" Tilder