Older blog entries for AilleCat (starting at number 14)

feeling better:

Feeling much better lately, I know its been a while, but seriously the Sun helps Psoriasis big time, and I've been spending alot of time out in the Sun. So, I've been up and walking around and actually feeling halfway decent. Although, the downside is, my skin is red as a lobster now. As my friend Tristram would say if he was around, "Moderation, Grasshopper"

New Look for Trish:

So I decided to somewhat radically change my look, so I had my hair chopped, and I got a septum piercing, and no, this is not something that was "just a whim", I seriously thought about both things for several months, and took the plunge this past week when I was feeling decent. Pics to come soon.

Thoughts on Stardom:

Well not really, the "You're a Star Now" thing isn't me, but I think its cool that Interactive Week is sending someone over to take my picture, so the whole world gets to see the "new Trish" when that Interactive Week issue comes out.

10 Apr 2001 (updated 10 Apr 2001 at 03:47 UTC) »
*sigh*:

So anyway, I'm here, I was interviewed for an Interactive Week article this week on people involved in the Open Source community, evidently Hemos gave them my name, yippee. More to come on that when I know more.

I'm getting this feeling I don't fit it anywhere lately, I mean how many Butch Male to Female Bear Leatherdykes do you know? Its slightly frustrating and lonely. Not to mention that my inability to generally get along with people has obviously caused me difficulties at work. I'm kinda tired though, I gave my all, and nobody had any complaints for almost a year. Then I get burned out, and somewhat lose interest in my job, then I'm just in no mood to deal with people. I usually leave jobs after a year because of that, however I'm trying to stick around until I go back to school in January.

I'm going to visit Robin and Angela on the 20th though, and thats good news, they always make me feel better and loved.

So yeah, I'm burned out, what else is new, oh yeah, I'm sick, sometime around after I got back from TSC, my arthritis got much worse, now I wake up with a fever every morning, sometimes it fades, sometimes it keeps going. I'm tired of it, honestly, I've really made an attempt to not let it get in the way of the rest of my life, but feeling ill all the time makes someone VERY cranky. Especially when its combined with the inability to move around.

I try to keep things positive, and not whine about anything, I hate whining, and I'm personally not feeling like whining myself.

Work lameness:

So evidently, I don't pay enough attention to what people on my team are doing/have done lately, because sometime last week animfactory.net DNS went wonky, and I didn't notice, however we got an email from the person who is now managing us, who is a friend of mine, that upper management was unhappy due to money stuff associated with the failure.

However throughout the time I kept things running pretty much singlehandedly from Feb-July, then Yazz came aboard, and it was mostly the two of us, with some help from Liz, and they were almost ALWAYS up, no praise.

I really have issues when people only notice when something fucks up, its really positive fucking reinforcement. So I mention this to my manager, 2 hours later we have an email saying that executive staff commends us on the fact that we finished a bunch of projects in somewhat record time.

How much do you want to bet that was after the fact, and after the fact that I was discontent with the situation was communicated to my manager, and possibly he agreed and said something. So it didn't mean anything to me, honestly. Am I just a malcontent and can't be happy with anything recently at work?

I also have to say that the advice from management for me to take a step back and let people make mistakes isn't working for me, I mean I like to run a tight ship, where nothing goes wrong, I get frustrated that I'm not the one handling everything right now, but I get equally frustrated when I am. This isn't a reflection on the other people on the team, I'm easily the most experienced, and as a result, I do things much faster, and have a better feel for things, however when exec staff gets pissed about stuff that breaks, I feel responsible, *blah* I can't wait for Recovery.

Play Parties, Roommates, Friends, and Life:

So anyway, just before coming to Noho this weekend, one of my best friends tells me that theres some drama in my vacation household (which I'll be living full-time in by the summer), which may have made things a bit uncomfortable (they did slightly, but it wasn't unbearable). I made it clear I was not taking sides, and I would be the same friend to everyone that I had been the months before.

So our play party was the next night, and my one roommate decided that he would definitely be there, and he gave a demonstration of some play, with which I helped a bit, I wasn't feeling well enough to start a scene of my own that night, but being involved with my roomie and another friend's scene definitely was a bonding experience (pictures will appear at some point these next few weeks). It was alot of fun.

I got the pictures back from Angela and Robin's trip here and I miss them alot, I was thinking about them alot at our party, and I somewhat miss their company even though its only been a week since they came here, spent a week and left. They rock so much though, and my roommates adore them as well.

I met Frankie yesterday, someone I'd been talking for months with online. I realized we had met last summer at Pride. He's definitely a cutie, and woo, he would make a good hausboi, and maybe even more than that, if willing, I guess we'll see where that goes.

Trish takes another service opportunity, this one she wanted really bad:

So Shahn mentioned yesterday that he was looking for a tech contact/person for Amboyz, an organization for FTM identified people and SOFFAs, which has been mentioned before in my diary. Though I'm burned out, I want this particular service job badly, and it may be one of the few contexts I'll enjoy tech work in lately. We're going to talk more about it as the work that needs to be done comes up.

Round up:

So thats Trish's busy weekend, we now return you to your regularly scheduled Open Source related website.

Case of Mistaken Identity:

So anyway, the other day my parents tell me that 2 police officers show up at thier house, demanding I "turn myself in", evidently I had sold drugs to an undercover cop in NJ in May of 2000, anyone who knows me knows this is impossible due to two major things:

I wasn't in NJ in May, I was dealing with issues from the migration of Slashdot to Exodus.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not sell drugs, and I have never sold drugs.

So how did this happen?

After talking to the police officer in charge, evidently someone driving my sister's car, and named "Patrick" sold ecstacy to an undercover police officer, they ran the plates and saw my mother's name on the car. They put "Patrick" (my old name) and "Lynch" together, and got my old name, go figure. I know who it is, but I'm not saying, but the police now have a good idea as well. My sister was possibly in the car. While this is not cool, better them than me.

Gotta love our law enforcement officers, at least they were reasonable when I talked to them. And to some extent they were cool, it just kinda scared the crap outta me.

A Brand New Day:

So anyway, here I am, I slept ok last night I think, I'm back to banging my head, which I think only happened a few times while Robin and Angela were here, its a weird thing, I've been doing it since I was a baby, and when I get enough sleep it stops, but lately I've been pretty high strung, having people who cared around me and sleeping and cuddling kinda helped. Lorraine used to put her hand on my head to stop it. I think this time I was doing it on my hand, and as a result I kinda bruised my hand...ok...sorry for the weirdness.

So its a brand new day, I'm hanging out here, wondering how Robin's doc appt. went yesterday, I didn't hear from them, and will probably call later on. I'm settling back into loneliness pattern, but its a little different I guess.

I heard from Robin, everything is "ok" though I'm doing some legwork for him as far as docs and stuff.

Unattainable Crushes:

So I've kindof realized I have a crush on someone totally unattainable, which always happens, theres this totally wonderful Diva top I'm totally crushed on, and I know that since I'm not a biowoman, theres no hope. Its definitely not a good space, but I'd be happy just to develop a friendship with this person. She's got so many similar ideas on the nature of friendship and such (I am *fiercely* loyal to my friends).

ObTechContent:

So anyway, now to the work I must do, which I'm putting off, for some reason TCP DNS stuff is not working through the arrowpoint, and I must look into it. Especially since zone transfers are done that way. I am so unmotivated towards tech space lately, and I hope it changes soon, or I'll be looking for a new line of work, and despite massive burnout, I do like my job.

23 Mar 2001 (updated 23 Mar 2001 at 12:44 UTC) »

Thoughts on burnout:

So anyway, I've been doing computer stuff for like 8 years, and honestly, I did it for several reasons. I was good at it, 'nuff said. But there was alot more to it. Its where the money was, I was interested in exploring my geek side. I needed money to transition (from male to female)

So the last few months, I no longer feel the drive I have towards computers, Open Source, and anything else having to do with coding/sysadmin/network architecture, all three of which I have done, and enjoyed alot. I'm starting to get this drive to enjoy life outside the office, the home office, and away from the computer. Before I was locked in a relationship with someone who would not let me explore other parts of myself, she reveled in my geekness, as much, or more than I did.

So, its definitely burnout, I mean I have so much to do, I have information on trademarks and copyright that I got from Larry Rosen, to pass onto Listar core, I have the OSTF stuff to think about, I'm still working for OSDN, I'm writing for /. and Open, and I'm feeling so overextended. This is all besides the transgender activism I do, my relationships with several people, and all the kink stuff I do. Trish is a busy girl, and just a little burnt out.

Happier Stuff (and a bit of a bummer):

So Angela and Robin left yesterday evening, it was nice having cuddle partners a few days, and maybe a little more than that...

I *think* the relationship is being slightly redefined, but I'm not sure, so some processing must be done with both of them. But I'm trying to figure out how to breach the subject. Ahhh! I have an idea! How about ,simply, "Where is the new boundary?", the annoying thing about it was, evidently it was redefined for Robin and Angela, and they kept it a secret, like it was supposed to surprise me (which it did, and I'm honored that they love me as much as I love them), and honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about changing the relationship dynamic, kissing fine, outside of that, I'd like to know where this is going, and honestly, I'm happy with whatever, I love them both alot, and want this to be comfortable for all three of us. I mean, it does make it easier to express myself in the ways traditionally I express certain feelings. Ahhh... poly-boundaries are wonderful.

22 Mar 2001 (updated 22 Mar 2001 at 06:06 UTC) »

So anyway, its been a while since I posted a Diary entry, I'm on another vacation and this time I'm having great fun.

So it started with Angela and Robin coming up to visit, we went toy shopping and all kinds of stuff, and had some great fun.

I won't go into what kinds of fun I'm sure if you know me you can figure it out (or as Robin says, "floggers, and nightsticks, and canes, oh my!")

I totally love these two people, I mean, like, *love*, in that top, Momma Bear way... its pretty cool, I cooked for them and all kinds of neat stuff.

Tomorrow they go home, and I'll be sad, and I'll miss them, but I'm sure I will visit them soon, and I want to get Robin to The USENIX Technical Conference along with Angela (who goes into abandonment mode around computers, you know, one of those geek widows we all know, and love so much for their patience and support, even through the heartache of having a geek as a partner)

Well on Monday I'll be back to work.

I may also mention my roommates, Sal and Zane, who are the most incredible roomies, couldn't have a better situation, honestly, and they'll love it, now that I got the cable modem in and I can network the apartment. Cable, and Computers, and Geeks, oh my!

So, I've been back, my first day back at work, finding out what VA and OSDN have been up to. I believe some right decisions were made this past week, though it may have lasting effects on how people perceive us, but I hope some ideas I have and other people have may change that.

The Open Source community is, and has been very important to me, if I didn't believe in what OSDN and VA are doing, I wouldn't stay, even people like Mandrake (Enlightenment) seem to think that what was done is needed, and support us in what was done. Its sad so many people had to go, but ce'st la vie.

That being said, I believe that this is only the beginning, and companies involved in marketing Open Source products are starting to learn a very valuable lesson. Its like me when I spend too much in a pay period, and find myself scrounging for cash (and I make an ungodly amount of money), the honeymoon is over, while we all may not have seen what was coming, it did, and we weren't completely prepared. Ahhhh the growing pains of a "start-up"

History has taught us a valuable lesson, several actually, but in the history of the industrial revolution, and me and a coworker were talking about this today..., that railroads, and steel companies, power companies, etc. all started out the same way as the "dot coms", small independent shops that had very much the same philosophy, some survived, some didn't, and a lot consolidated. This is what we are seeing now, the Industrial Revolution ain't over yet.

So its time to stop the focus while that industry settles into behaviour we are going to see for maybe the next 20 years, maybe more, and focus on the steady sources of revenue, Financial, Education, and Government. Right now, I think we as a company are making large inroads into the Financial market. I think VA and OSDN will be around for a long time to come.

well thats my musing for the day, this does not reflect the opinions neccesarily of my employer, VA Linux/OSDN

So anyway, its been a few days, I'm out in Northampton right now, still somewhat on vacation, which is nice. I'm heading back to Acton, MA, and the real world sometime tomorrow, it will be nice to see my cats and such, and then I can get back to things at hand.

My tasks for the next week, besides work, will be:

Listar stuff, CVS, etc. have to get it all set up and moved for the new release.

Listmistress.org, a listserver for BDSM/Leather communities online, I already have several lists and people that need lists. I also somewhat still want to serve the GLBT space as well

getting back into figuring out where things are with -CURRENT on FreeBSD, its been difficult to keep up with changes while I've been traveling so much.

anyway, thats enough, I'm getting really hungry, time to go eat and stuff, and plan for next week.

So, I'm back at my vacation/weekend apartment for some downtime, relaxation, time with my roomates, etc. It was an intense week, met alot of people I really like, some of which I will possibly have long term relationships or more with.

So anyway, to geek stuff, I'm a geek no matter what, and sometimes it amazes me how different the language we speak as people that eat, drink, eat, sleep, and live computers, programming, networking, is from those who do not. Even at a totally unrelated conference I still ended up hanging out with computer people, getting comments about my FreeBSD shirt, people finding out I was "that AilleCat", and alot of other stuff.

truly interesting, does being a geek actually change your brain function that much? That we speak on such a different (not higher) level that we become unintelligible to normal people?

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