Dear Mr Goates,

Thank you for our continued support of your efforts to maintain world dominance of all computers, everywhere. You Have No Idea how much it means to us that you can help you to help us keep users under control.

Our newsletter this month includes our "Roadmap for PC: the Dominance of the Desktop" which we feel that you will already agree with. If you don't, please drink more of the special free Isotonic Drink we supply to your company and all our other trusted members and Presidential Puppets.

As you are no doubt already aware, the U.S. Anti-Trust hurdle has been successfully cut off at the knees. Our favoured and trusted partners in the leading web and media space distracted their attention (and got some free advertising sympathy in the process). With that success in mind, we have turned our attention overseas to the European Onion case.

Fortunately, the Europeans have seen fit to shoot themselves in the foot by bringing in a far more restrictive version of our orgasmically successful DMCA. Any ruling, therefore, on the part of the EU, would have to comply with that law, which makes a ruling on the critical parts of interoperability with your OS completely pointless.

We are proud of the fact that we didn't even have to try on that one.

Also we just wanted to reassure you about the alternatives. Mr Jaws has everything under control in the Wearables Department, which leaves us the Freebies and Elixirs to contend with.

As you know, the dotcom boom was a golden engineered opportunity for us to take control of as many Freebie and Elixir Developers as we could get our hands on. We have hundreds of them under our financial and Intellectual Property thumb, working for various fronts such as RatHead, TroubleInnex, SoCooked, Nouveau and Cauldron.

So we just want you to know that you needn't worry about the competition quite just yet. Anyone who is not working for our fronts won't get a job anywhere in the Freebie or Elixir Industry, we guarantee it.

One thing We did want to let you know, by the way, is that our Friggin Underhandedly Dirty Advisory Department is itching to hear from you. Frankly, we think your efforts to undermine the confidence of computer users everywhere to not go anywhere near the competition, even though it's free, completely stinks. Compared to some of the more compelling schemes our experts have envisaged.

They're ready to go whenever you are.

Lastly, we just wanted to remind you about the Far East: we would like to see more unlicensed copies of your software there, so we've taken the liberty of funding some Broadband Franchises in India and China so that people there can download warez faster, quicker and better, too.

We've also increased the funding of certain key Human Rights Activists to push for laxity in chopping hackers' hands off, on the grounds that it's no good if people who download warez can't type.

Well, that's all we've got time for.

Remember, We're routin' for ya [and everyone else in the world]!

Your Friendly PNAC Team Leader.