Dear Mr Goates,

Posted 27 Dec 2003 at 18:05 UTC by nospampleaser Share This

Thank you for our continued support of your efforts to maintain world dominance of all computers, everywhere. You Have No Idea how much it means to us that you can help you to help us keep users under control.

Our newsletter this month includes our "Roadmap for PC: the Dominance of the Desktop" which we feel that you will already agree with. If you don't, please drink more of the special free Isotonic Drink we supply to your company and all our other trusted members and Presidential Puppets.

As you are no doubt already aware, the U.S. Anti-Trust hurdle has been successfully cut off at the knees. Our favoured and trusted partners in the leading web and media space distracted their attention (and got some free advertising sympathy in the process). With that success in mind, we have turned our attention overseas to the European Onion case.

Fortunately, the Europeans have seen fit to shoot themselves in the foot by bringing in a far more restrictive version of our orgasmically successful DMCA. Any ruling, therefore, on the part of the EU, would have to comply with that law, which makes a ruling on the critical parts of interoperability with your OS completely pointless.

We are proud of the fact that we didn't even have to try on that one.

Also we just wanted to reassure you about the alternatives. Mr Jaws has everything under control in the Wearables Department, which leaves us the Freebies and Elixirs to contend with.

As you know, the dotcom boom was a golden engineered opportunity for us to take control of as many Freebie and Elixir Developers as we could get our hands on. We have hundreds of them under our financial and Intellectual Property thumb, working for various fronts such as RatHead, TroubleInnex, SoCooked, Nouveau and Cauldron.

So we just want you to know that you needn't worry about the competition quite just yet. Anyone who is not working for our fronts won't get a job anywhere in the Freebie or Elixir Industry, we guarantee it.

One thing We did want to let you know, by the way, is that our Friggin Underhandedly Dirty Advisory Department is itching to hear from you. Frankly, we think your efforts to undermine the confidence of computer users everywhere to not go anywhere near the competition, even though it's free, completely stinks. Compared to some of the more compelling schemes our experts have envisaged.

They're ready to go whenever you are.

Lastly, we just wanted to remind you about the Far East: we would like to see more unlicensed copies of your software there, so we've taken the liberty of funding some Broadband Franchises in India and China so that people there can download warez faster, quicker and better, too.

We've also increased the funding of certain key Human Rights Activists to push for laxity in chopping hackers' hands off, on the grounds that it's no good if people who download warez can't type.

Well, that's all we've got time for.

Remember, We're routin' for ya [and everyone else in the world]!

Your Friendly PNAC Team Leader.

Why are you doing this, Luke?, posted 28 Dec 2003 at 01:33 UTC by raph » (Master)

It's not even a particularly clever attack. Are you just trying to piss on the site?

Let's keep the site clean, posted 31 Dec 2003 at 04:50 UTC by glyph » (Master)

raph - Can you adopt a policy of personally censoring (or allowing Masters to censor) articles as a stopgap before getting a full-on article review process implemented?

Again, as the proverb goes..., posted 31 Dec 2003 at 06:06 UTC by tk » (Observer)

Vacuum cleaners suck. Kings rule.

Ah, the drama!, posted 1 Jan 2004 at 22:55 UTC by Uruk » (Apprentice)

the U.S. Anti-Trust hurdle has been successfully cut off at the knees

That should be worthy of a "mixed metaphor of the year" award.

I suppose I like the evil scheming "lackey reporting to the Bond villain in a smoke-filled room" kind of style to the article, but don't you think it's a bit immature? While I don't know who the poster is, this is the kind of thing I would expect out of a 14-year old who only barely restrains himself from actually believing that Microsoft controls our brains via satellite. The stuff about cutting hacker's hands off is such sledgehammer sarcasm that I just have to wonder who pissed in your cornflakes this morning.

I rate this article a 100% pure USDA content-free article. If 1000 14-year olds have 1000 computers and 1000 hours of free time, pretty soon you end up with humanity's complete collection of poorly organized and executed paranoid missives.

facts and fiction, posted 2 Jan 2004 at 00:58 UTC by nospampleaser » (Observer)

search for microwave mind control

Chinese hacker executed

Two chinese hackers executed

And for those people who appreciate good books based on extrapolation of real scientific and historical research, instead of your average plausible conspiracy theory, read Greg Bear's "Vitals".

For those people who need it spelling out, this article is intended to be satirical, with the names changed to protect the author. As an additional precaution, an old Badvogato hack was used which relies on the maintainers of the site being trustworthy and impartial.

Re: Ah, the drama!, posted 2 Jan 2004 at 06:18 UTC by tk » (Observer)

Still not dramatic enough! When it comes to drama, none can beat Uraeus.

Re: Censorship, posted 10 Jan 2004 at 11:40 UTC by diablod3 » (Apprentice)

Censorship isnt always right you know. I got a chuckle out of this arcile, until I realized he was serious.

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